It’s been a few days since you passed. And yet I am still thinking about you pretty much all the time, which is strange because I didn’t know you at all, in real life.
Thoughts of you and how you felt in the final moments of your life have kept me awake the last few nights and I am trying to figure out why I am so moved by your death.
I think what is upsetting me the most, is that you must have been so sure you wanted to leave.
Your friend was clearly on suicide watch, yet the minute she left you, you took action. You took your final action. You made that final call.
Did you flounder? Did you feel any ounce of regret? Were you scared?
I’m haunted by thoughts that you felt no one could support you enough to get you through this terrible time.
I’m haunted by the millions of people so saddened by your loss and the realisation that you did not know you were so loved by the public.
You probably read so much online abuse that you believed it.
And yet, the words flying round social media are so beautiful now.
But it’s too late.
I wish you could read them.
So, I am going to take a few things from this lesson life has taught us. And I do believe it is a lesson which many of us will heed…
From now on, I am taking my own mental health and the mental health of everyone around me seriously. I like to think I always have but now, I am all over it.
No more judging myself so harshly.
No more browsing through vacuous social media posts portraying a perfect life.
No more indulging in negativity for entertainment or the need to make small talk.
No more filtering my own life to appear better than it is.
No more sharing posts which don’t spread joy or positivity.
No more bitching about people we don’t even know.
No more assuming that friends or family are quiet because they are ‘coping’. It’s a risk too great to take.
But most importantly, seeing the heartfelt tributes you will never ever read, has convinced me to tell everyone in my life how much they mean to me, how much I love their laughter, or their sense of style, or the way they listen.
If I see something positive, I AM SAYING IT OUT LOUD, there and then.
Because we just do not know if we will ever get to tell that person and what if, WHAT IF, they went to their death never knowing all the good stuff others felt about them.
Wherever you are, I hope you are at peace and I also hope, really hope, that you can somehow see now, what you meant to so many.
And that your mistakes were not who you are.
You are the sum of all the wonderful things everyone has said about you and so much more.
Rest in peace.
Donna Ashworth, Ladies Pass It On
